Online Dating Profiles Translated. (Warning: Spoilers!)

I work in the floral delivery industry, or as it is known on the street: Flo-Del. It is because of this experience that I am privy to all sorts of romantic liaisons. I've noticed lately a strong uptick in the amount of online dating romances coming to fruition both in my personal and professional life. Since my dating pool at work and through my friends has dried up, my curiosity got the better of me several months ago and I signed up with a dating site to see if this was, in fact, the new way to find love and romance.
At first I put up a fairly average profile with the requisite photos of myself. Let me just pause here for a second and write that this is a lot more challenging than I thought it would be. My first draft was simply a cursory overview of who I thought I was and the photos were mediocre at best because, I'm just curious. Once I received a few messages from women, it occurred to me that people were actually judging me based on the information I offered with as much thought as I would to buying socks. So I revised it. And then I revised it again. And then I revised it again. For three days, I wrote and rewrote, I paced my apartment, I looked at other profiles and I even asked a friend to proof read my profile. This was turning into more than a profile, it was turning into a Master's thesis on self-exploration.
Once I had completed what I thought was a fairly decent profile, I went on a few dates, of which I will update you in future posts. I would now like to report my findings on the first 15 dates I have had with a useful translation for the lexicon of modern online dating.
I love hiking = I like walking around.
I am just interested in meeting new people = I want to sleep around for a while.
I enjoy good food = I don't like to cook for myself.
I have a good sense of humor = I am bi-polar.
I am adventurous = I sometimes like to put stuff in your, or have you put stuff in my, rectum.
I am not looking to take care of someone = I want someone to take care of me.
I love exploring the city = you will take me out. A lot.
I work hard = I have an excuse not to commit.
I am independent = I am not looking for a commitment.
I am looking for a commitment = Don't waste my time if you're not serious about a long-term relationship.
I love having a good time = I have a substance abuse problem.
I have an inquisitive nature = I have no boundaries.
I am traditional = I am a republican.
I am non-traditional = there will probably be a third person in the bedroom at some point and I am a liberal.
Pictures of someone in a yoga position = I watch documentaries.
I love to travel = I am an escaped felon.
I don't like playing games = I am looking for someone I can manipulate.
I am new to this whole dating site thing = I've run out of viable dating options at work and through friends.

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